Going to Combat and Coming Home

Welcome to week three of my blog.

My dissertation for my psychological doctorate was on the experience of soldiers preparing to deploy from their homes to a combat zone. I interviewed 4 former soldiers for hours and wrote the dissertation. Two requirements of the dissertation methodology was to include the details of my own predeployment experiences into the dissertation, and to synthesize the collected experiences into something creative. So I wrote a poem.

Up-Armor

The leaves of our love
Go softly brown.
Fall silently.
I will no longer water us,
I am leaving soon - may not come back.
Touch you from my (self-imposed) distance.
Shadow my love with final meanings.
Armor with silence our precious mornings.
Lie awake (away from you)
As I hold you in the dark.
In my eyes, you find goodbye.
The need to be gone and come back.
I look away. My armor stays in place.
You look away (sometimes) when I look at you.
We smile (strangely) at those moments
As intentions litter the ground around my boots.
Our children (their laughter in the kitchen)
Do not understand why I am awkward around them.
They sense I am away when I am home.
In loneliness I will not share with you (or anyone)
I push away thoughts of death.
I will be tough – no weakness here.
There is so much to do before I go.
With so many depending on me to bring them home.
I fear failing more than my own death.
Last goodbye.
May be the last time I see, feel, hear, touch
You, our kids (my world as it was).
Promise to return/Take care of my family/Kisses for everyone/Hugs all around.
Hold you forever - then let you (everything I knew) walk out the gym door.
Its metal finality shuts you away from
My last “I love you”.
I join rows of up-armored trees. Steadfast.
A forest battling winter,
While dreaming of (tender/opening) leaves.
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The second poem for your consideration was written for my wife, when I was flying home after the end of Desert Storm. Deploying and coming home from combat is all about relationships. I didn't know it as a soldier, but I know it now. If you have loved ones who are serving or who have served, know that all the training in the world cannot shield the heart as easily as an understanding touch. Thank you Janet, for allowing me to share this poem and for being there.

eloquence

when i miss you so much that
i cannot stop the tears
i think of all the ways
you make me happy.
the tickle your laughter brings to my heart
the thrill of touching you as i wake
the way you keep my soul alive
when all the world is intent on its own self-destruction.

the tears stop.
my mind fills with you alone.
words then have no place
to hang their hats.
only my passion, burning silent, white-hot
has eloquence enough to say how i feel.

when i see you next
i’ll fill my heart/your arms
with my quiet speech of love.
talk to your lips
i’ve dreamt of for so long
and swear to an uncertain future
that i will love you
forever.

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Well, next week I want to talk about relationships some more. I'm leaving the military theme for a little while and will talk about friendships, love, and loss. We have so many types of relationships and how they impact our lives. Please give me your thoughts about the topic this week and take care.

b